So last time we talked about the hidden cost of moving together, and that, actually, if you move together, it doesn’t mean that you have one mutual, absolutely identical experience.
In fact, people shared that their experiences differed due to many factors, such as whether they had a job, whether they were the main visa holder or a visa-dependent partner, whether they had previous experience living in that country, whether they had friends or family there, and whether they knew the language, among others.
So today we’re going to focus on the main visa holder experience. In an expat couple, that’s usually the person who has the job abroad and provides the visa for the couple.
I want to share the emotions that those people described during my research.
So, three things.
First, the amount of responsibility.
When you move abroad, for many people, it becomes even more important to stay abroad. For some, it’s because of safety concerns. They cannot, or simply don’t want to, return to their home country. Others really don’t want to go through another international move again. So we’re not talking about how easy it is to “just come back.” Usually, there are important reasons why people moved in the first place.
Those same reasons often become the reasons they choose to stay and fight for the right to remain in that country, whether it’s for comfort, safety, opportunities, or the future of their family.
Using my participants’ words, this often doubles the feeling of responsibility and pressure.
Suddenly it’s not just about visa or money. It’s also about safety, comfort, the future of your family, or the future of your children.
So, if you’re the main visa holder in an expat couple, what isn’t discussed enough is the amount of pressure you might be carrying. And much of it is completely invisible.
Number two: hidden feelings. Not admitting that things are hard creates another emotional burden.
Since you’re someone society often sees as "a successful expat", someone who moved abroad, got a great job, a good expat package with benefits and perks, your family and friends back home often see you as successful too.
There can be pressure to maintain that image of success.
That’s why some people choose not to complain or talk openly about how they’re actually feeling. Of course, that’s their choice to move abroad. But they still have every right to struggle and to vent - that’s my personal opinion.
Several participants shared that they felt they had to keep performing to keep the image of being successful.
Not admitting that things are hard creates another emotional burden.
Number three: frustration because their partner isn’t happy
or doesn't appreciate them enough.
Here's what I've heard from the main visa holders. They feel that "they made it possible" for a couple to move or stay abroad, so the participants shared that they sometimes don't feel enough appreciation or gratitude from their partner. If a visa-dependent partner starts complaining, it is sometimes seen as a lack of gratitude for the experience of living abroad as a whole.
Many main visa holders described feeling frustrated because their expectation was that their "partner should be happy", "should be grateful", so why aren’t they?
"Since it's all on my shoulders, I sometimes worry that he doesn't see the whole picture" (of how fragile our visa situation is).
"I don't get enough support from my partner. It sometimes feels "it's all on me".
I expected her to be happy, so if he started complaining, I'd get mad. I do everything for us, and I expect that if my partner now have more time to rest and relax"
That creates misunderstanding and frustration. "Who is struggling more?" The main income provider and visa holder, or the dependent partner?
Perhaps it's not a competition. We will talk about it next time.
Let's discuss it
What else stays hidden for the partner who is a visa holder?
Expat Research: coming next
Article 6: The hidden emotions of the "moving partner"
Previous articles
Article 4: Moving abroad as a couple: one relocation, two different realities
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