People often say (and I confess, I do it too): “We moved to the Netherlands” or “Our move to the UK.”
But in reality, when a couple moves abroad, there are often two very different relocation experiences happening at the same time.
The hidden asymmetry
One partner gets a job, the other doesn’t. One becomes the main visa holder, while the other is dependent on that visa. One partner adapts faster by nature, while the other needs more time. One builds friendships more easily, one speaks the local language, one takes on more household responsibilities, one finds the bureaucracy easier to navigate, while the other misses their old life, family, or friends more.
Sometimes one partner adapts faster, builds friendships more easily, and finds a sense of purpose sooner, while the other needs more time, struggles with loneliness, or feels less connected to the new environment. Unsurprisingly, this can create tension, frustration, and misunderstanding, even within otherwise healthy relationships.
This is especially true in the common scenario where one partner gets a job and becomes the “lead mover” (the main visa holder), while the other becomes the “moving partner” (the visa dependent).
A lead mover may be starting a new role, receiving relocation support, building a professional network, feeling purposeful and needed, while also carrying the pressure of being responsible for the family’s legal status, finances, and future in the new country.
Meanwhile, the moving partner may be leaving a job behind, losing a professional identity or financial independence, having more free time to discover a new country, yet spending more time alone, and at times feeling lost or without a clear sense of purpose.
The move is shared, but the adaptation and emotional side often go differently.
One theme that came up repeatedly in the interviews was identity crisis. Many participants talked less about missing a country and more about missing themselves. They spoke about leaving their job, no longer being known for their profession, or suddenly feeling that they had become “somebody’s partner” rather than themselves. More about this in my next article.
The adventure
At the same time, it can create a unique shared life experience. Many participants described it as one of the things they are most proud of having done together as a couple. You learn a new country, a new culture, and often a completely new way of life. You learn how the other person reacts to uncertainty, stress, change, setbacks, and adventure, and you get to support one another through challenges that neither of you may have faced before.
Several participants spoke about relocation not only as a challenge, but also as a shared adventure that brought them closer together, helped them grow, and became an important part of their story as a couple.
Afterthoughts
Perhaps relocation is another major life event, and like many major life events, it can divide a couple or bring them closer together.
Before moving abroad, couples often discuss visas, schools, jobs, and housing, but how often do we discuss dependency, loneliness, identity shifts, or what happens if one of us struggles to adapt and wants to go back?
Let's discuss it
If you’ve relocated with a partner, was your adaptation experience similar, or did you find yourselves adjusting at very different speeds?
Expat Research: coming next
Article 5: The hidden emotions of the "lead mover" and the "moving partner".
Expat Research: previous article (linkedin)
Article 3. Relocating solo: full freedom or full responsibility?
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